In this episode, Bro. Nonoy Dalman shares his insights and reflections on the family, which is composed of a husband and a wife, as well as their children, if any. In answering the question “What ails your family?” Bro, Nonoy explores the relationships between and among the husband, the wife, and the children. Because the family is the basic unit of society, the strengths and weaknesses of families become the strengths and weaknesses of society.
The transcript is available below the video.
Transcipt
ROBERT LABAYEN
Hi brothers and sisters! Welcome to the third episode of What Ails You. This is our online series in celebration of our 41st Anniversary, whose theme is “Heal the World for Christ.” I am your host, Bro. Robert Labayen, journeying with you in this path to healing.
Last time we had Brother Bong Arjonillo, share some advice on how husband and wife can manage their finances, how can they cope with their financial challenges, and how they can avoid conflict between the two of them. A lot of what he shared were practical advice which I’m sure you can apply in your own lives.
In this episode, we are going to talk about something that is so personal to all of us. In fact, I may say that this is everyone’s kryptonite. Of course, it’s the family.
What ails your family? To share his views and experiences on what ails your family, brothers and sisters, please welcome our brother from the International Council, Bro. Nonoy Dalman. How are you, good evening!
NONOY DALMAN
Thank you, and thank you so much for having me. I’ve been giving talks on the Christian Family for our Christian Life Program, and during the open forum usually, participants share their life in their respective families. And sometimes highlighted in these exchanges are some of the factors that ail members of the family, their relationships with one another. So I am happy that you have invited me in this session, where I can probably share some of my experiences, thoughts, and lessons learned from the different teachings I heard on what ails the family.
ROBERT
As always, we are happy and excited to hear what you can share and what you can tell us about your experiences. So, why do you think it is important for people to talk about what ails the family?
NONOY
Yeah. Robert, before I answer that, let’s define first what family is. And my definition is actually intended to only serve the purposes of this session. So to me, a family is composed of a husband and a wife, as well as their children, if they have any. So when we start answering the question of “What ails your family?”, we are actually referring to the relationship between the husband and the wife, and between the parents and the children.
The role of the family in society is indeed very important. Napakaimportante po nito. (It is very important.) It is considered the basic unit of society—we learned that from our Christian Life Program. So the strengths and weaknesses of families practically become the strengths and weaknesses of society. So if the relationship within the family is broken, then it will have adverse effects not only on the members of that family but also on society in general.
So to understand this better, it is always important to contemplate the relationship between human families and the so-called divine Trinity, as shared by Pope Francis, and let me share it with you. He mentioned it in his Amoris Laetitia. He says:
“With a gaze of faith and love, grace and fidelity, we have contemplated the relationship between human families and the divine Trinity. The word of God tells us that the family is entrusted to a man, a woman, and their children, so that they may become a communion of persons in the image of the union of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Begetting and raising children, for its part, mirrors God’s creative work. The family is called to join in daily prayer, to read the word of God and to share in Eucharistic communion, and thus to grow in love and become even more fully a temple in which the Spirit dwells.”
This is in the Amoris Laeticia of our Pope Francis. Even Mother Teresa of Calcutta reminds us of the importance of the family. She says, “If you want to bring happiness to the whole world, go home and love your family.” She also says, “It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us.” Why is that? Because they are close to us. So, “bring love into your home, for this is where our love for each other must start.”
She also says, “Love begins at home, and it is not much how much we do. But how much love we put in that action.“
ROBERT
You know, one of the most memorable quotes I’ve encountered in my life is this one by Mother Teresa when she said, “If you want to bring happiness to the whole world, go home and love your family.” It sounds simple and profound at the same time. And I realize that if you show love to your family, your children are likely to become good people. And it’s good people who makes the world a beautiful place. So it’s really, a really inspiring saying from our beloved saint.
So if it is important to have a family—it is a person’s most important treasure—Why do some people fail in building a good family?
NONOY
Well you know Robert, relationships within families fail due to several reasons. Some spouses encounter big challenges, daunting challenges in their relationship—in the same way that some parents also encounter big challenges, daunting challenges, in their relationship with their children and vice-versa. Those who fail to overcome such challenges usually end up in a broken relationship, which will have a very damaging effect on the family. On all the members of the family, particularly the children will be greatly and adversely affected.
So any nation—or society for that matter—needs to build strong Christian families that will provide God-fearing, law-abiding citizens with good moral character. And strong Christian values, of course. In case the unity and stability of the family is threatened by certain factors, the same must be quickly addressed before any harm the family—and ultimately, the peace and unity in society—happens.
ROBERT
You know, a family begins with a husband and wife. And what is it that ails the relationship, most of the time, between husband and wife?
NONOY
Well between husband and wife, let me share this with you. First—well, in general—the superiority complex of a husband.
ROBERT
Yeah, you’re not talking about me. (laughs)
NONOY
Of course not. But I’m not so sure. (laughs) Many men still believe in their superiority over women. Marami pa rin sa mga kalalakihan ngayon ang naniniwala na sila ay mas nakakataas o mas magaling kaysa mga babae. (Many men nowadays still believe that they are more superior or better than women.) Thus, most husbands still believe that they should have the final say when deciding on or for the family. Sila dapat ang masunod. (They should be obeyed.) Even the most modern man still has the remnants of such a traditional man in him. Because of this reality, such beliefs sometimes translate into abuse of power by the husband, and even sometimes violence. When this happens, their relationship as husband and wife will suffer.
Another is the controlling wife.
ROBERT
(laughs) I’m getting excited.
NONOY
Some modern wives, especially those who are the ones providing for the family, start asserting to make the major decisions for the family. Sila yung naghahanapbuhay eh, mga breadwinner. (They’re the ones making a living, being breadwinners.)
ROBERT
Yeah, they got more votes.
NONOY
They tend to take over and assume the role of their husbands. Most husbands, of course, are not happy when their wives replace them in their roles as such, and will not make it easy, definitely, for their wives to run the family. So most husbands rebel against it. So it is so unfortunate that some women do not know that they should not bring into the marriage the “what a man can do, a woman can do better,” argument, even if they are the ones who provide for the family as breadwinners.
ROBERT
So both husband and wife, they need humility?
NONOY
Of course. They need humility.
ROBERT
The third, of course, is when couples compare themselves to their peers. Or as they say “Keeping up with the Joneses”. Some couples have the inclination to compare themselves with their peers, in terms of success in professional practice or business. The newly married man looks for two or more high-paying jobs just to remain on par with his peer next door. Ayaw magpatalo (Won’t let himself be defeated)—even if it means borrowing money, which he cannot afford to pay in the first place. His wife is also obsessed to dress as well, to stay as slim as her married friends, and expects her husband to treat her the way her friends say their husbands treat them. The result is a growing sense of frustration caused by unmet expectations. Hindi nangyayari eh. (It doesn’t happen.) So the result is unmet expectations.
Then there’s the media portrayal of marriage. Media usually paints and projects a very beautiful picture about marriage. And so, what is the result? Most young people rush into it—rush into getting married—without any idea of the real challenges that a married couple usually encounters during their life together as husband and wife. Most of them do not know the real meaning of the marriage vows: to take each other for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death.
ROBERT
I can agree with you. I think that sometimes, romance is—how do you call that—overrated. They think that’s all that there is to a marriage. And also I agree with you that during the past two years we were all under house arrest, we’re exposed to so much media—and social media—and we saw different images of marriage, and they become our benchmarks. And sometimes they’re good as role models if they inspire us to do good. But sometimes, it causes envy among us. Is that right?
NONOY
Very true.
ROBERT
Would you like to share more about it?
NONOY
Another problem is the financial aspects of the problems between the couple. When money becomes scarce—kulang na sa pera (not enough money) especially during this COVID time, during this pandemic money becomes scarce or even scarcer—it could be the beginning of endless arguments between the two. Arguments on what? On how make both ends meet. How to raise more money for the family. How to prioritize expenses. Which of the expenses need to continue, and which expenses have to stop.
And the sixth thing, which nowadays—sadly—is being romanticized, is infidelity in marriage. When the husband or wife has an affair, any act of infidelity will result in a loss of trust. Hindi ka na magtitiwala. (You will no longer trust.) Most cases evolve in divorce. Most cases in the US, or some parts of North America, can be attributed to loss of trust resulting from infidelity.
Then there’s another problem: the inability to solve problems. Di malutas-lutas ang kanilang mga problema. (Their problems never seem to be resolved.) When couples fight over something and fail to resolve it—di nila maresolve o malutas (They can’t resolve or fix)—they could end up endlessly arguing and quarreling with each other. When they continue trying or attempting to solve these problems, usually nothing happens because they will end up fighting again.
ROBERT
(Laughs)
NONOY
Another thing are the vices, mga bisyo (vices), of some family members: drug abuse, drinking alcohol, and of course gambling, to name a few. All these things could ruin a family.
Of course, lastly, is the parental or friends’ influence. Ito, interesado rin ako rito kasi maraming nangyayari na ganito (This topic is interesting because there are many cases like this.) With the third party—it could be the in-laws, it could be somebody’s siblings, it could be some friends from both sides. When the third party interferes with the affairs of the family, trouble usually sets in.
ROBERT
That’s why I’d like to take note of what you said that God should be a part of the family. Because Jesus should be the third party of every marriage. And that’s essential. Many people don’t realize how important is that ingredient in a marriage. And I understand from you that there’s so many obstacles. Marriage is like—family is like an obstacle course: you go through a lot of challenges and so many temptations along the way. So, it really needs a lot of… devotion.
Now, how about the relationship between the children and the parents? What are usually the things that cause some problems or conflicts?
NONOY
There are many factors to that. But to name a few, I would like to mention the first one that comes to my mind. Lack of proper communication. This is a very common problem of all relationships between the parents and the children. Many parents find their children rude, moody, and disobedient. And parents tend to intrude into their children’s privacy. Sa tingin nila, mga bata pa. (They think their children are still young.) Naturally, the children will get upset and angry—and sometimes fight back to prevent their parents from doing so.
Second. Conflicting opinions and views between parents and children. Children sometimes contradict their parents’ beliefs, opinions—and even their decisions. They have their own—the children—have their own opinions. They have their own ideas, which they would like also to assert. They are already grownups, and they have become independent.
Well the third one is actually the parents’ unsolicited advice. Kahit hindi hingi, hinihingi, nagbibigay ng payo sa mga bata. (Parents keep giving advice even when the children are not asking for it.) Unsolicited advice from parents is most of the time rejected by their children. Some parents do this because they believe that their children are not yet mature. Mature enough, not mature enough to make their own decisions. And this would affect, adversely, the relationship between the two.
Fourth, of course, are the controlling parents. Parents who would like to control any and all things that their children would do or plan to do. Some parents tend to control every action and decision of their children. And most children—dito yung problema (here lies the problem)—don’t like to be controlled. Probably it is inherent in human nature. Probably you and I do not want to be controlled also.
ROBERT
Yes, of course.
NONOY
So, they prefer to make their own decisions. And that is very understandable.
Fifth. Frequent criticisms. Most children do not want their parents to criticize them, and that happens all the time. For their opinions, actions, and decisions. And even for things that you are doing. Criticisms sometimes would make the children feel that they are weak and a failure. So that again adversely affects the relationship between them and the parents. Parents should think of what is good for the children, and not to always control them.
And then the next problem on relationship is comparing children to others. Parents compare their children to children of others. Parents should not keep on comparing their children to others. It can make the children feel insulted, inadequate, slow learners. And even low achievers, and rebellious. So in short, the children feel bad when their parents start comparing them to other children.
Lastly, another factor that affects the relationship is complaining about children’s attitude. Now this time, it is the parents who are the ones complaining against the attitude of the children. Parents should refrain from complaining about their children to friends and relatives. Pinagtsi-tsismis pa nila yung mga anak nila sa kanilang mga kaibigan.
ROBERT
And the children can hear?
NONOY
And the children can hear. The children may learn ab out it. This may force children to also do the same. The parents do that, the children can also do the same thing to their parents. So nagkakaproblema (problems happen). Both sides are now doing it.
ROBERT
When you said that children don’t want to be told, it’s either they don’t really like the content of the advice, or they don’t really like the fact of a parent telling them what to do. They just want to be on their own. And I can relate because I have five children, and I know that every child is unique from the other, so you have to have different approaches to them.
NONOY
That’s right.
ROBERT
So there are so many challenges to a couple, so many things attacking the family. So how would you suggest? What should we do to restore the unity and the sanctity of the family?
NONOY
You know, after discussing the different factors that ail the family, we have to do something to address this problem so as to restore the good and loving relationship in and among the members of the family. So two things.
One. Spouses should be more prayerful. Now, I’m referring tot he relationship between the husband and wife. They should pray that God will help them strengthen their love for each other, as spouses. And they should pray to God that they be guided when they try to reconcile their differences, the differences between them.
Whatever they ask in prayer, they will receive—if they have faith that God will do it. They should try harder to understand one another and be more patient forgiving of their respective limitations and imperfections. Dapat maintindihan mo at matuto kang tumanggap sa mga limitations at imperfections ng asawa natin. (You should be able to understand and accept the limitations and imperfections of your spouse.) And vice versa. They should play their respective roles as husband and wife, as mandated by God. We discussed this lengthily in our Christian Life Program.
Last but not least, they should be more faithful to their marriage vows to take each other for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death. We should learn from the saying that “a successful marriage is a union of two forgivers.”
ROBERT
Beautiful. That’s good.
NONOY
Napakaganda. (Very beautiful.) Marunong magpatawad. (Knowing how to forgive.)
So for children, children should always honor and respect their parents. They should be obedient to them. They should strive hard to grow with a secure and healthy relationship with their parents, and that is very important. Children should learn from the divine instruction contained in the Bible, particularly in Deuteronomy 5:16, which says:
“Honor your father and mother as the Lord your God has commanded you. That your days may belong, and that it may be well with you in the land which the Lord your God is giving you.”
You know, Robert, to honor our parents means to show them our respect and love. To take care of them, especially in times of need. Especially when they are now old, when they grow older. Because God should always be at the center of any relationship within, between, and among members of the family. God should always be at the center of that.
In closing, let us pray that God’s plan to make the family an institution for the transmission of life; for the teaching of children, and training of leaders, and as a domestic church—o making the family a domestic church, that’s good—be realized. Sana magkatotoo. (Let’s hope for its fulfillment.)
And let us make a firm decision and decide to make God the center of our family. Lagi kong inuulit-ulit yon. Dapat nasa sentro ng ating pamilya ang Panginoon. (I keep on repeating that: God should be the center of our family.) And we should unceasingly, continuously pray. And love one another and others, starting with loving all our family members.
And let us also pray that the husbands will continue to provide for the spiritual and physical needs of the family. And the wives to support—not take over—the role of their husbands in helping build a Christian family. So the wife should always be there to support and help the husband in realizing these roles given to the husband. Whatever you do for the family, your children, your husband, your wife—you actually do for God. Actually, ginagawa mo yan hindi lang para sa kanila kundi para sa Diyos, sa ating Panginoon. (what you are doing is not just for your family, but for God.)
All we do—our prayers, our work, our suffering—is actually for Jesus. Our Lord and Savior.
So we build a strong family not only for parents, children—but more so for God.
ROBERT
You know, it’s very reassuring to hear from you that although there is an endless list of problems for our family, there is always an abundance of hope. Hope will not run out, for as long as we take advantage of solutions that are so affordable—because it’s prayer, it’s respect for one another, it’s always having God as part of our family.
And truly, the family’s the foundation of society. If we have a problematic family, that reflects on the society. That’s why I agree with you that we’re not just doing this for ourselves, but for God.
NONOY
For God, yes.
ROBERT
So I think it’s a good time for us to pray, because of our inspiration. So brother, thank you for your sharing—and would you like to lead us in a closing prayer?
NONOY
Yeah of course, Robert. Let’s put ourselves in the holy presence of the Lord, as we pray in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, in you we contemplate the splendor of true love. Grant that our families, too, may be made places of communion and prayer, authentic schools of the Gospel, and small domestic churches. May families no longer experience violence, rejection, and division. May all who have been hurt find comfort and healing. May you make us always mindful of the sacredness and inviolability of the family and its beauty in God’s plan.”
And we ask this in the mighty and most powerful name of your Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, and the intercession of Mama Mary, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever. Amen. In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
ROBERT
Thank you Bro. Nonoy for that very inspiring prayer. Regards to your family too.
Thank you, brothers and sisters. Thank you for joining us in this episode of “What Ails You?” I’m sure this has been personal to you, and you learned a lot from his sharing. If you know somebody who might like this, or benefit from what we have heard from Bro. Nonoy, please share this video. and if you want the video to reach more people, share it. And to be notified of the next episodes, just click subscribe and the notification bell.
May we never forget that through, in, and with Christ, there is healing. This is Robert Labayen, I’m your host, and see you in the next episode. God bless you and your family.
(Outro)